When I was 16 or so I used to drive my dad's mustang when he was feeling nice enough to let me take it, a cute little red hatchback that I was in love with. One day I had the car for the day and wanted to go do something…anything. It had been raining all week and the sun was finally out so I picked up my boyfriend's best bud and we went for a drive. We drove down this really long road that they had just finished in town. It was a so new….there weren't even speed limit signs up yet. I decided to see how fast we could go….I don't even remember how fast I got the car going….but I remember I totally freaked Jeff out when all the sudden I did a 360 in that car (not on purpose). Now I know we were lucky we didn't wreck and/or worse but back then it was kind of an on-switch to my rebellious cycle of life….hence the bungee jumping and general craziness hat followed that day way back when.
Now here I am in my mid 30's and I find myself a totally different kind of driver. Now don't get me wrong I've always been a great driver. It's just that I find myself much more cautious now, especially when I have precious cargo. I'm more aware and worried about the drivers around me and I am almost obsessive about checking for other cars before I change lanes and what not. I find myself a bit more leery when my daughter is driving as well because while she really is turning into a good driver, she reminds me way too much of myself at her age.
Today when I was driving my son to daycare I found myself wondering when I became that person who plays life safe. It's not just driving though….it's infected other areas of my life too. This weekend I went out with a girlfriend of mine and she talked some about her younger life and the risks she took….still takes from time to time. It made me feel so sheltered. I'm sure being a single/solo mom and having a special needs kiddo has something to do with my "play it safe" view on life right now too but I'm not sure when it all changed. When did I go from the chick who would try/do just about anything to the one who worried about the affect of those actions on the people in my life before I even consider trying something new? And do I want to change it?
I don't want either of my children to be scared to experience life and become independent. I want them to hold on with both hands but enjoy the ride like I did at their age but I find myself controlling more then maybe I should in their lives. I'm trying to take some steps back and really let them take control of the reins a bit more. Harder to do with the male child but I'm trying. I mean at some point I have to let go right???
You know my ex always told me I was too controlling. I know he meant it a bit differently since I don't tend to really control those around me but maybe it wouldn't hurt to lose a little control here and there, huh?
**~Gabi~**
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